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the rockstar you wish you were
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| Blah |
[27 Feb 2006|08:40pm] |
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music |
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Broken Promise Ring // The Ataris |
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South Dakota has banned virtually all abortions. Tis a sad sad day, when a women is told what she can and cannot do with her uterus.
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| Sometimes I think I'll quit drinking and then it calls out to me and I can't say no. |
[05 Feb 2006|03:13am] |
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 drunk |
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music |
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This Photograph is Proof // TBS |
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There is a boy.
His name is Sean.
He is dating my roommate Dani.
They are very much in love.
It is very cute.
Me and Mitch call them Mom and Dad.
They feed us, and make sure we go to work and class on time.
Dani is in Lansing for the weekend.
Sean is passed out drunk on my couch.
We had dirty martinis and played poker.
I should be drunker than I think I am.
I am tired.
I want fried tofu and fake meat.
I wish Dani was here. She would feed me.
I am hungry.
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| HAPPY HUMP DAY!!!! |
[16 Nov 2005|11:59pm] |
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 accomplished |
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Nothing |
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That's right folks it's National Condom Week (Nov. 13th - Nov. 19th)! What better day than today? It is Hump day of National Condom Week! Yay!!!
(Also happy birthday Mr. Melagrano/![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) mfenris13!)
I've made cards for most of my friends for this joyous occasion. And I thought I'd share my top 25 favorite slogans. I came up with 58, but thats way too many to post so here you are:
1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
3. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
4. If you’re not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
5. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
6. If you go into heat, package your meat.
7. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
8. Don't make a mistake, cover your snake.
9. If you’re gonna bust, condoms are a must.
10. No glove, No love.
11. Don’t be a doofus, put a collar on Rufus.
12. Don’t be a honkie, saddle up the Donkey.
13. Suit up your munchkin before you start punchin’.
14. Put a helmet on the dome, or stay home.
15. No matter how teeny, protect the weenie.
16. Cover the duck before you fuck.
17. Wrap it before you tap it.
18. Don’t test your luck, use a condom when you fuck.
19. Don’t be a turd, wrap the nerd.
20. Don’t be a downer, use a condom when you mount her.
21. Don’t be a hater, grease the tater.
22. Don’t be wishin’, suit up before fishin’.
23. Use a coat to enter the moat.
24. Wrap up Paco before tickling the Taco.
25. Cover your hose before watering the rose.
I just thought the world could benefit from this sex tip!!! Happy humping to all! Spread your legs or spread the word!
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| "Shoot coward! You're only gonna kill a man." |
[07 Nov 2005|01:16pm] |
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accomplished |
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music |
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Nothing sadly. |
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Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around during the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. You never let me down. You always listen to my problems and help me think of ways to solve them. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interest at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity needs to take place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit-Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin),prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.
5. Vocabulary: Again communication is important. However, it cannot be incoherent babbling. And for some reason you wipe “No” right out of my vocabulary. It’s down right impossible to say: “No, I’ve had enough beer.” “No, you are NOT my type.” “No, I don’t want to have sex with you.” “Nah, I’m good. No one wants to hear me sing anyways.” And finally, why won’t you let me say, “Good evening, Officer. It’s lovely outside isn’t it?” Sometimes, these phrases are wholly necessary. Ease up on the seizing of the vocabulary from now on. Thanks.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday at 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
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| Because everybody needs a little love... |
[06 Nov 2005|04:46am] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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music |
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Poker on tv |
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PRE-BOOTY CALL AGREEMENT
This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____day of __________, 2005, by_______________________, between ____________and______________.
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:
1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening
3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have shit to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" shit - only sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask.
6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup, " unless you are from
out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.
9. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.
10. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.
11. No extra clothing - I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
12. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so get your ass up, get dressed and go the
fuck home.
13. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.
14. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
15. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's
girlfriend/boyfriend."
16. Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.
18. No condoms, no fucking. Carry your ass home.
19. No phone use, please - don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.
Participating Party
Signature ___________________
Date: _______________
Participating Party
Signature_____________________
Date: ________________
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| Slob on my knob... |
[14 Sep 2005|12:35am] |
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amused |
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music |
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Like corn on the cob.... |
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The American Dental Association says semen cuts plaque and tartar by 77%. Suck a dick and save a smile.
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